I spend my days confused and mostly lethargic. Wondering of what could be and mostly about what should be. I preach to myself that none of these thoughts should be validated. What matters is now. What is important is for me to focus on how to make my mind habitable.
Everyday I make it harder for myself to simply be.

I’ve told myself in the past that I am not whole, but I am. I am complete. I used to feel as if I needed someone. As if I needed you. Then I realized that I didn’t. I’m fine without you. It’s more of wanting. Which is better, more organic and pure.

I don’t understand however. I cannot decipher the nature of my own mind. How am I so aware of my own self? how do I realize so much and know what I want, yet be so indecisive? How am I yet to feel comfortably content? Then I think to myself that maybe, just maybe none of what I know is valid. That would make more sense than the so-called sense I hammer myself home with.

I used to think that the problem was external, that I was so upset because of something or someone else. I realize now that even though that might have been the issue at a time or two, it was never the focus. It was never the breadth of what was actually wrong with me.

I still don’t know what the problem is, but at least I know it’s origin – and that is progress. So long as I am moving forward. I am at as much peace as I can be in this weird, confusing, restless state of mine.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Getting Closer

  1. I always expected I would be “fully self-aware” by 20. Then 20 hit, and my frustrations grew as I realized I knew even less about myself than previously. I’m almost 25, and I’m still exploring all of the facets of myself: what makes me tick, what makes me sad, why is it harder to learn some lessons than others, how can I just be better… But that’s the fun part of life, just continuing to grow was a person.

    • There’s a flow to time once you look back at what has passed. You’re right it is fun, and there is a beauty to it. I don’t think I’ll be “self aware” anytime soon, I think maybe not ever. Possibly just growing more aware than ever reaching a complete understanding of myself.

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