Homeostasis

You ever feel like sadness grows and is better? The melancholy of silence trumps noise and temporary happiness.

Once you get used to it –
you are no longer forced into loneliness. Now it’s just what’s normal, and as much as I am afraid of routine, the familiarity of just myself is safer than the unknown disturbing my homeostasis in lonesomeness.

After a while, what most think of as fun or entertaining has no appeal. Falling in love seems arduous and frighteningly boring. Thinking ten years ahead into the future is no longer a riveting mental rollercoaster, but is now more a haunted house of realized, flawed, fantasies.

The transition from night to dawn to morning brings with it sobering thoughts of how deep scars run. Nothing Jack didn’t break, nothing Daniels can’t fix.

Broken homes and broken trust and broken dreams and crushed starts. Love is not what kills, oh no no, rather attachment. Love, so long as you love from afar.

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Trains

There is something invigorating about watching a fast train. A rush you don’t feel once you’re sitting on the inside. Going so fast your eyes can’t keep up with any one of the carts. You can’t count. You hold your gaze on a single point for less than a second. You see it but you don’t, you see a whole, not a detail. You see speed.

The floors give off a low rumble that your mind can feel and your feet can hear. It carries you out to a humble corner inside a brain moving faster than any train, it slows you down. Now we remind ourselves of what is known but ignored. Remind yourself that fast trains aren’t meant to be sat in. Fast trains are meant to be missed and admired.

Fast trains like you are inevitably missed.

I’m Getting Closer

I spend my days confused and mostly lethargic. Wondering of what could be and mostly about what should be. I preach to myself that none of these thoughts should be validated. What matters is now. What is important is for me to focus on how to make my mind habitable.
Everyday I make it harder for myself to simply be.

I’ve told myself in the past that I am not whole, but I am. I am complete. I used to feel as if I needed someone. As if I needed you. Then I realized that I didn’t. I’m fine without you. It’s more of wanting. Which is better, more organic and pure.

I don’t understand however. I cannot decipher the nature of my own mind. How am I so aware of my own self? how do I realize so much and know what I want, yet be so indecisive? How am I yet to feel comfortably content? Then I think to myself that maybe, just maybe none of what I know is valid. That would make more sense than the so-called sense I hammer myself home with.

I used to think that the problem was external, that I was so upset because of something or someone else. I realize now that even though that might have been the issue at a time or two, it was never the focus. It was never the breadth of what was actually wrong with me.

I still don’t know what the problem is, but at least I know it’s origin – and that is progress. So long as I am moving forward. I am at as much peace as I can be in this weird, confusing, restless state of mine.

What Is Magic?

We look for spark, for inspiration, we look for magic. We let it slip right by us, but it’s everywhere. It isn’t in the story books and you won’t find it on tv when you’re looking to live vicariously. You’ll find it in people, you’re friends, your parents, strangers. The people you once knew that have now become strangers, and all the strangers that won’t be so one day. Most importantly, you’ll find it in yourself. It is inside, it is all around. It is what surrounds, it is the very air you breathe that lets your heart keep beating. That’s magic. Magic is existing, its getting a shot at life.

Magic is feeling and experiencing every emotion you could ever taste. Magic is letting yourself go, whether it is to yourself or to someone or thing. Let yourself, allow yourself to leave the confines you’ve put up. Push your limits, because as long as what you do brings no harm to yourself or others – there are no limitations. Every boundary that goes unmoved is stagnation in growth.

This life brings with itself gushing rivers of tumultuous emotion, the bad is so used to outweighing the good. Let hurt and pain remain where they are, let them stay in your past. If you’ve made it past that bad day and are now in the present, then what broke your heart yesterday is none of your damn business.

So see the magic, hear it in the birds outside, feel it when the wind hits your face and glides it’s fingers through your hair. Let earth, let oxygen, let the sun and the moon and the miracle of being a human make you happy.

When Parents Fight

Everyone disagrees, everyone fights. That doesn’t mean it should be done in front of children. Leave them out of it, if they can be spared the heart ache, they should be. They deserve to be.

One of the biggest weights you can carry around on your shoulders is knowing how unhappy your parent(s) are. They think it doesn’t affect the children because they’re just kids, or because they’re not directly involved, because they’re not the ones fighting. Oh but it does, it rocks their whole entire world. Parents are the support system, they’re the four walls that are stronger than the cement of the house you live in. How are kids supposed to feel secure, where do they get their strength from,  when the pillars come down? A child that has to be their own strength from a young age can either turn out to be very well-rounded and forgiving, or just as well-rounded, but also resentful and bitter. Amongst a world of other realities.

When the foundation breaks the first pieces to fall through are the smallest ones. I’m not saying the kids should be oblivious to, or ignorant of the reality that is their family life. I’m saying they don’t have to be the collateral damage of the train wreck that is their parents marriage. It’s like being the third sober driver in a crash amongst two drunks, you don’t really have time to hit the brakes when people are crashing into each other a foot away. Not fun.

I don’t think parents ever realize how hard it is for the children when they fight, it never completely registers. That’s why it keeps happening in front of the kids who have absolutely nothing to do with it, but now suddenly they have everything to do with it. Don’t think that they don’t understand, they do, they know exactly what’s going on. It’s not rocket science. Even after the parent’s have decided to let go of the argument and the heat, the kids may still remain shaken from it all. Scared and anxious of when it’ll happen again, they try to prepare themselves for the next blow but it never really makes a difference because it hurts all the same if not more when it happens again.

Stop — and think before you speak, or yell or scream. Whoever you are, parent or not. Don’t hurt people, don’t take away happiness, sometimes it’s really hard to come by.